One of those days
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
I didn't expect to blog a second time today but guess what? Remember in my previous post when i said i was kidding about crying over my ezlink card? lol as fate have it, i did cry over it -_-
So my parents came home, and i approached my mum and told her i lost my old ezlink card and told her to activate my new one (i had 2, the old one and the new unactivated one i planned to activate only in september but i have no choice now huh)and WOW, she unleashed like, 18years of anger on me. It started from my irresponsibility, to my laziness and how im always watching "stupid" anime, how i never studied and went all the way to how im useless and worthless and concluding in how im gonna end up a failure in life. Just because i lost my ezlink card.
What's the big deal? Seriously! It's not like i have to pay a fine to make a new one, i already have a new one at home! And it was a matter of time before i had to hand in the old one and activate the new one, just that it happened sooner then i hoped. And she never bothered about when i was gonna activate the new card anyway, and she doesn't have to pay for it, so WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? there was less than $1 inside the card la and i kena lashed for that.
And about irresponsibility. I didn't bloody plan to loose my card. Heck, i don't even know how i lost it. I think i dropped it in the bus when i thought i slipped it into my pocket. Or i dropped it on the street when i took out my handphone from my pocket and it accidentally came out with it. Gosh, i don't know, but i didn't plan to loose my card! Sure, blame me for carelessness, but this is not irresponsibility. And besides, this kinda thing happens to the best of us! Bihshean lost her ezlink card too earlier this year. Carren lost her wallet and keys on a bus before. All of us loose stuff like that once in awhile. It's just one of those things that happen, blame it on murphy's law or something. I really want to shout out those facts to her but i'll probably be welcomed with a slap on my face if i did, so bobian, bite tongue sit quietly and listen to her abuse me emotionally lo.
About my laziness and how im watching "stupid" anime and always couped up in my room... com'on, it's the HOLIDAYS! If i don't do this now, then wait until when? When school reopens? I do this every single holiday, but every single holiday, she scolds me for the same thing. If i go out everyday, she says im playing around, wasting money blah blah blah. If i stay home, she says im lazy. If i work, she says the whole family have to sacrifice for me cause sometimes my dad have to fetch me if i worked late. If i don't work, lazy again. Seems like i will kena her scoldings no matter what i do what, so might as well do something i enjoy right! And i did go out! I went out for my PROJECT meeting today and im meeting soomei on friday. She should be laughing that im not hanging out with some gang sniffing glue or doing drugs, all im doing is lazing in my bed and infront of the computer, how bad is that?
How i never studied... THIS, really felt like a slap on my face. To think i even put in the effort to complete all my bloody tutorials for this semester up till now. If i stop doing them, you know why. SERIOUSLY! She thinks that i never study because she never saw me studying. Well guess what, i usually start my studying late into the night, earliest 10pm which sometimes stretch till 2am. She's either watching tv or sleeping during this period of time, so of course she never saw me studying. And i even told her that before. She knows i stay up all night to cram for my exams the night before, so HOW DARE SHE SAYS I NEVER STUDY. And it's not like im getting a failing grade. All she cared about were my grades anyway, so why try and cram my study style and accuse me of not studying when im still producing reasonable grades despite "not studying". UGH
Oh she also got pissed at me for not knowing what to do for the future. This kinda thing, cannot rush one what. It's not like if i tell myself "think meixuan think, think of something you can and want to do in the future" then something will miraculously come out. I believe that this is something you have to explore slowly, and when it comes, it comes. It's earlier for some, later for some. Later for me, obviously -_-
Why are parents only satisfied when their kids have ambitions like to be a successful lawyer, doctor, polititon or entrepreneur. Why can't they accept who they wanna be? I seriously don't think i'm the ambitious type. There are people who want to do big things, help people, and there are people who just want to live life happily. I'm one of them. Life is short, unpredicatable and you only live it once, so why not make it a happy one? I might die tomorrow due to a car crash, we'll never know. So why not live the way i like so just in case i die the next day, i would die with no regrets, and it's not like im neglecting my daily duties like attending school and what not. And as for my future career, i don't want to do something that will make me rich or famous, i want to do something that i enjoy and make me happy. I was thinking about setting up a cosplay cafe, so it's not like i totally have no idea yah?
I smsed this to soomei while i was still pissed LOL "... Why do singaporean parents have this conformed idea on what an ideal child is? Why can't they accept them for who they are but no... they have to compare and make you change. But guess what?It's never enough. You overcome this, they find something else. Studies, work, marriage and how much you have in your CPF. They think their kids are machines they can customize! God if they want the perfect kid they should have a cyber kid or something..." (yes it's a very long sms like 8pages or something) OR OR they can like freeze the sperms and eggs of those accomplished people and create like the most genius kid ever! I love my cousins and my best friends but i kinda hate it when my parents start comparing me to them. When i was younger it was always "bryan this bryan that" now that im older, they compare me to my friends "why can't you be more like bihshean/soomei?" blah blah blah If you want me to be like them so much, adopt them then! WTH I'm MEIXUAN. Not bryan/felicia/soomei/bihshean and get this, I'LL NEVER BE LIKE THEM. (not saying this in a bad way, more like a we have different personalities way)
And last but not least, as for me being useless and worthless and concluding that im gonna be a failure in life, i just think it's a stupid argument cause it doesn't even make sense. Like soomei said "nobody measures worthiness from the ability to keep your things intact" It's amazing how after all these years, im still a relatively cheerful and optimistic person and have not turned to the dark side lol and how i always go to my friends and say stupid stuff like "MX IS COOL" or "MX IS THE BEST!" or "MX IS AWSOME!" and draw stupid smiley faces all over their paper. I guess i do that subconsciously all the time to remind myself that im not useless or worthless or a failure in life and to stay happy always since that's kinda like my goal in life huh.
Happiness is not a measure of how successful you are. Remember that!
Thank god i wasn't eating maggi noodles for dinner or all my tears would have dropped in even though i do wonder if food tainted with tears really make you sadder lol I ate 1/4 of my carrot cake and 1 out of 4 of the honey chicken wings. But one thing's for sure, nothing taste good when you're sad. And i completely lost my appetite since my mum was yakking away while i was eating, and the worst part was that i had to supress my tears, it's NO EASY TASK OKAY! If she saw me crying, my face would have her handprint in an instant.
Even when i was younger, the more i cried, the harder i kena hit. But when i was young, i could run to my dad and hide behind him and he would defend me... i wonder when that stopped... now that i'm older, you gotta supress your tears and stand on your own two feet until the battle's over cause all my dad's gonna do is watch silently. But of cause the moment im left alone i would run to the kitchen and cry my heart out lah I'm not that strong after all. I just find myself a little bit useless for crying over this since i should have been use to it. Time like these, i wish i had an older brother LOL
And today's one of those days i wish i wasn't the only child of my parents. Or that i was someone else. Someone perfect that could live up to their standards. Someone i will never be so LIVE WITH IT PEOPLE! =D
~(9:40 PM)
