Friends

Sunday, June 01, 2008

"Friendships that can be ended never really started"
-What was written on Darren's tshirt today

I really hope that isn't the case

I used to believe in best friends
And now, 'friends forever' is a thing of the past too
For now, it's friends for ALAP
ALAP-As Long As Possible

Seriously, i used to believe we could be friends for life
Thinking back now, maybe i was too naive
Only time can tell, i guess

I used to think you guys really knew/understood me too
But i was wrong
Sure you know my general characteristics and all
and besides, i'm quite predicatable huh
But do you know what i want, what i need?
Maybe not

Zihui said: Maybe cos you seem like the type of girl who doesn't need caring for

I asked kennard, (before the whole cold war thing started), and he said:
"you seem like a girl who wants a lot of care, and then take it for granted, a girl who doesnt really look at the big pictures at the right times, it's a want, not a need. You have friends, parents, well-off income, not income i mean financial background, or financial foundation, w/e, why do you think you NEED caring for?

Well i can't say he's wrong, he's right, actually, but something was missing in that answer. I didn't know what it was, until i called nicky up (by then the cold war just started, and i needed someone to talk to).

It's funny how things turned out.

I haven't spoken to nick for weeks, maybe months. Neither have i seen him in ages.
But i guess when he saw my number on his cell, he already knew what was coming(predicatable?)
Because right after he picked up the phone..

Him: yes xuan, what happened?
me: how did you know something happened?
him: because you wouldn't call if nothing happened
me: hmmmm
me: hey nick, do you think im the kinda girl who doesn't need caring for?
him: of course not. Everybody needs caring for. You need caring for. You need emotional support.

Yeah, i can't describe what i felt then. He gave me the answer i was unknowingly searching for. Or maybe that was the best answer i could get.

Thanks nick if you still read my blog, you have no idea how much i appreciate that answer. And um, thanks for picking up the call lol

And songen, maybe i'm being petty, but when i was troubled with the whole kennard thing and was telling you about it, was "dunno" and "eat my shit" all you can say? Frankly, i was dissapointed. I mean, seriously, forget it if you didn't try to offer some advice, or cheer me up, but "eat my shit"? That really i don't know, turns me off. And after that, i find that i can't tell you things like i used to anymore. Maybe i'm being oversensitive or paranoid here, but really, that was how i felt.

And i was looking through friendster and i saw songen's new picture. It had him, zihui, jiaqi and kennard. At esplanade. On vesak day. And immediately it brought back the memory of when songen told me that kennard bitched about me or something(before the whole "eat my shit" thing). Seriously, i can't imagine what he(ken) would have said. And now it seems like i can't bring myself to face you guys anymore? Or think about how you guys think of me now...

It feels like, say i'm walking infront of you guys with a chewing gum stuck to the back of my jeans, and all you guys can do is laugh secretly about it and not tell me. Yeah, and when i find out, well yeah, that was how i felt. Horrified. Embarrassed. Dissapointment, no doubt. Probably pissed too. Frustrated....

All the negative emotions. I feel like my heart can explode.

And also, i thought i belonged in the group. But suddenly i felt i was totally out of place.

And back to the whole kennard thing. I apologised already, what else can i do? People make mistakes, no big deal. I thought friends forgive each other no matter what they do. Well apparently with you it was different. "All your asking for are more chances and i won't give it to you until you can prove to me that you won't do it again". Com'on. How can i prove something that i might or might not do in the future. I would have done anything if you would just forgive me, treat you to a meal, w/e but i guess with you it's just so. difficult.

Why are things turning out the way it is now?
Am i the problem?
Maybe it's the time apart
Or the distance
Or maybe we're just too busy with our current lives to care about each other anymore
I don't know

Lonely, lost, empty, outcasted.
Basically these four words sum up what i'm feeling right now.

If things improved or went back to the way it was, i would probably laugh it off when i read this post again many years from now. But i'm pretty sure if the situation got worst or whatever, i'll be reading this post filled with regrets, even tears.. and i'm hoping that it wouldn't be the latter

Yeah just wanna say that. I do treasure you guys very much and i really don't want to lose you, that would be like losing a part of me. We've been through good times, and we're currently stuck in the bad times, but i believe(hopefully) we can get past this hurdle and get back to the way things were. It may not be perfect(nothing ever is, anyway), but if we work on it, i'm sure it will be better then now, better then it ever was. Maybe we won't be friends forever, but we can be friends for long enough for happy memories to fill our hearts and minds for us to look back on as we grow old. And besides, i don't want any of our friendships to end like this. On a bad note.

Sunshine after rain, right?

Yeah, i really hope so.

So to all my friends i love and treasure very much even though you might not know it, if i've taken you for granted, i'm sorry. If i've said the wrong things, i'm sorry. If i've done what i shouldn't have, i'm sorry. If i've upset/annoyed/pissed/whatever negative emtions you, i'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being there. I'm sorry for not being a good listener. I'm sorry if i neglected you. I'm sorry if i outcasted you.
I'm sorry for being such a horrible friend
I'm sorry

And also thank you guys for being part of my life
thanks for the good memories/good times
thanks for the jokes, the laughter, happiness, bliss that you've filled my life with
thanks for being there when i needed you
and listening to me rant on and on about whatever
and whatever advice i did or did not take
and for saying the right things
or the wrong things(even if i'd rather not hear it, but you care, i know)
thanks for being a friend

~(1:29 AM)